I was first challenged to think about the idea of living a life of irrelevance by Henri Nouwen, who has been a constant spiritual guide for me since college. Nouwen, as many know, left a life of great success as a professor at an ivy league university in order to work in a home for the mentally handicapped. Through this experience he discovered his true self and became a mystical, spiritual writer who has helped millions. Ironically, it was only by leaving the academy that Nouwen became a true teacher to us all. He found that "thrown in on the side" if you will.
I confront a similar choice in my life at this point. I once believed my life was set out before me quite clearly: I was going to finish my Ph. D, get a job as a professor (since I have always loved teaching), be a good husband and father, and die holding hands with a soul named Courtney Coates. Up until the end of January of this year, I still thought that was my life. Now all bets are off. In some ways, I am a deeply broken man whose life has been wrenched from his tightly clenched fists and, utterly against my own will, I am starting to experience salvation. The usually silly 90s CCM band Audio Adrenaline describes my condition in life right now remarkably well. Laugh at the source if you will, but I think this song articulates some deep spiritual truth:
So now I live in my parents' home and smoke pot. I have become as irrelevant as I think I can, but who knows? Just when I think I have lost all I can loose, I sometimes learn that I can still surrender over more to my Maker. "Pain has been the catalyst to my heart's happiness." And so I thank God for the pain, I thank her for the struggle. I seek to repent of the "toxic masculinity" that has invaded my life, practice, and thought. I am abandoned to my Father in Heaven and my Mother in Earth, to whom I will quite readily and joyously surrender my body for good in her perfect, good timing.
