Exhausting Goodness

"For most of my adult life, what I have wanted most to win is nearness

to God. This led me to choose a vocation that marked me as God's

person both in my eyes and in the eyes of others. I gave myself to

the work the best way I knew how, which sometimes exhausted my

parishioners as much as it exhausted me. I thought that being

faithful meant always trying harder to live a holier life and calling

them to do the same. I thought that it meant knowing everything I

could about Scripture and theology, showing up every time the church

doors were open, and never saying no to anyone in need. I thought

that it meant ignoring my own needs and those of my family until they

went away altogether, leaving me free to serve God without any selfish

desires to drag me down.

I thought that being faithful was about becoming someone other than

who I was, in other words, and it was not until this project failed

that I began to wonder if my human wholeness might be more useful to

God than my exhausting goodness."

- Barbara Brown Taylor in "Leaving Church"

I'm not to the place where I feel like I can give up on the striving and effort, but I wish I was. I think there is a deep spiritual truth in these words from someone far more experienced and wise than myself.