I look forward to headaches. I know it sounds crazy, but here's why. Whenever I get a headache, then I get to take my headache medicine. The medicine I've been prescribed is not a narcotic and it is completely non-addictive, but it does make me feel better not only physically, but emotionally as well. In other words, when I get a headache, then I have an excuse to be put into a good mood for the rest of the day.
This poses to me a very difficult theological problem which I have written about in the past. When I take my Tramadol, I not only sense a physical relaxation, but I also find it easier to pray. I feel as though a cloud has lifted from my mind and I am able to see the beauty in the mundane, trivial things which fill my everyday world. I am friendlier to friends and family. I laugh more. I stress less. The clouds of my depression disperse momentarily.
I recall hearing that the man who invented LSD actually did so because he was interested most of all in human spirituality. He believed that the use of his drug, if properly taken, could draw a person closer to God, and to his dying day he regretted how the drug had been abused for selfish purposes. I'm beginning to wonder if Tramadol isn't accomplishing a very, very mild version of what this inventor intended.
What am I to make of the fact that I feel closer to God when on my headache meds? What am I to make of the fact that I am happier, friendlier, more patient, and less depressed? Shouldn't this be something that I can accomplish through prayer and the infilling of the Holy Spirit? I'm fascinated by spirituality -- in fact, you might say it is my all consuming passion. And so I find it quite disturbing that a little white pill is able to (shall I say "unnaturally"?) induce a mildly pleasant spiritual experience that my devotional life cannot.
I want to be happy. I want happiness more than anything and I believe that God made me this way. I want to know why prayer and fasting and serving the poor and taking communion and reading the Scriptures devotionally is unable to do for me what this little pill does with such consistency.
Maybe the spiritual disciplines aren't supposed to make us happy. Maybe they're supposed to make us closer to God. I'm not convinced drawing closer to God makes us "happier." It may, in fact, give us a taste of the "infinite sadness" that God must feel (especially when we start looking at our lives and the lives of those around us and how far we are from where God wants us). Though, I don't believe that "infinite sadness" has to be empty of joy. Joy and sadness seem to be two very different things to me. And maybe- like a child bathing her mother in old age- maybe "infinite sadness" is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteExcuse me. Joy and happiness aren't the same thing. Apologies.
ReplyDeleteI think Matthew makes a good point here. Happiness doesn't necessarily equal closeness to God. I often feel most jovial after drinking a whole pot of coffee, but I also must realize that my momentary emotions have little bearing on how I really am doing spiritually.
ReplyDeleteWhile feeling good doesn't equal closeness to God, I do wonder if it is ok to use some stimulants to help us feel better and thus feel closer to God. I think of people who have serious chemical imbalances and can't "feel" normal without the use of some medications. Cerainly the person who struggles with serious depression has a hard time thinking and feeling rationally without medication to help clear his or her mind and emotions. In a similar way, we're all physical beings and greatly affected by physcical reality. So, I guess I'm thinking that maybe it's not a bad thing to drink my coffee while reading the Gospels.