Virtue in a Pill

Much of my life has been spent striving for virtue. By doing the disciplines (whether through reading, study, prayer, exercise, being informed about the news, meticulously planning how to best use my time, etc), I have attempted to become the sort of person that I think a Christian should be. And what sort of person is that? In short, one who is thankful and patient and content with his life. I believe God wants this for me and that the way to attain it is through hard work.

But I've noticed something rather troubling to me theologically as I wrestle with this inculcation of virtue. About a year and a half ago, I was prescribed some pain medication called Tramadol for some severe stress headaches which came upon me 3 or 4 times each month. It being a painkiller, I obviously enjoyed its soothing effects on my body. But I noticed another side effect which I enjoyed even more: it made me virtuous. For about 2 0r 3 hours after I first took the little pill, I felt holy -- that is, I saw beauty in things rather than ugliness, I appreciated simple pleasures more, I smiled and laughed with others when I normally would have been more dour, I even prayed better!

I'm not sure exactly how I ought to interpret this fact so I'm just putting it out there for observation. One small Tramadol makes me (at least for a short time) a better Christian. All of those virtues I strive so hard to attain are for a moment given to me like a free gift. Being nice becomes easy and enjoying beauty comes naturally. In short, there is an undeniable link between my own spirituality and the chemicals in my brain... an insight that is not new to those who study holistic spirituality like myself. And yet... something about this fact disturbs me. Psychologists claim to be able to stimulate "encounters with God" artificially in the lab these days (I remember the title of one book called "The God Part of the Brain.")

I certainly don't believe the Holy Spirit can be put into a pill, but sometimes it almost seems like it. I'm reminded of the one great alternative to God as put forth by the atheist Aldous Huxley in his magnificent novel A Brave New World -- Huxley's God is Soma, the wonder-drug which makes everyone happy, calms all fears, and allows peace and tranquility to reign. Ultimately, in my worldview I must insist that such hallucinogenic experiences are cheap imitations of the real, lasting, and permanent happiness found in union with the divine. But even a short spell of holiness induced by a pill is tempting.

I write this today because I have taken a step that I have probably long needed to take. I began a medication for depression. I think my depression is quite mild, but in recent weeks I have noticed myself becoming more and more erratic emotionally and much more prone to long periods of melancholy. Recognizing that the chemicals in my brain might need fixing, I have turned to modern medicine. But I cannot help but feel like a sell-out. I keep thinking, "If only I tried harder to develop virtue in my life, I would not need this." And yet here I am taking pills in an attempt to make Greg Coates who I think God thinks Greg Coates should be.

Fix me, God. I'm broken down.