I went to a church last weekend called the Myrtle Beach Community Church or, simply, the "beach church." It was slick. The child care was superb. We signed a little sheet of paper, deposited our baby with a kindly old woman with lots of makeup whom I instantly trusted, and walked away with a pager attached to my belt. Before going into the sanctuary, Courtney, Christy, and I perused the church bookstore selling everything from Joel Osteen (bad) to Rob Bell (good). We then entered the sanctuary to be greeting by three large screens, stadium seating, and a full band. The pastor of celebrative arts or some pansy named position came out with a slick greeting and soothed us with slick songs. The transitions were flawless, the music was professional, the preaching was nice and cute, and the logo for their new series couldn't have been more appealing if it had been designed by the Coca-cola company. And as I sat there and absorbed it all, I had two thoughts: First, I thanked God for the hard work of the clergy in that church who were obviously attempting to give God a flawless and well-planned worship set for the sake of reaching those Americans who would never darken the doorstep of a church without being given a show as fluid as a Walt Disney movie. Second, I realized that I didn't want to devote my life to an institution like that. I'm not writing this to knock it. I'm really not. I could knock the Beach Church if I wanted to. In fact, Courtney and I joked after the service about how what they really need to get is a roller coaster so that every parishioner can strap themselves in and get a free roller coaster ride which ends up in the sanctuary just in time for the service. But no, I'm not going to go down that often trodden path. Instead, I am earnestly asking God to deliver me from my judgment and to enable me to simply celebrate the fact that somewhere underneath that whole deal there is probably something (albeit ever so small) that really, truly pleases God. Rather my purpose is to write about what I WANT to be a part of and not what I don't want to be a part of. So here goes:
1) I'd like to be a part of a movement -- something firey, edgey, and radical. Something that will piss a lot of people off. Something that will especially piss of the pharisees of this world.
2) I'd like to not have much personal glory and not to be in the spotlight 'cause I don't think my ego could take it. I think if I stood in front of hundreds of people every week with them all hanging on my every word as if they were directly from the mouth of God, I would most certainly end up being cast into hell. I need to be part of something that reminds me how small and dispensable I am.
3) I want to really know and love poor people, drug addicts, battered women, foreigners, perverts, prostitutes, nerds, retards, the physically deformed, the dull, the uninteresting, the annoying, and the difficult.
4) I want to piss off a bunch of religious people because I just love homosexuals so much.
5) I want to be led by the Spirit of God rather than an institution. I want to be a part of something organic, something that fits in the normal rhythms of my life. I want to abolish the sacred/secular divide. I want to have eucharist in my potluck and baptism in my showers. I want my bathroom to become the Holy of Holies. I want God to be found in my fondue, fingernails, farts, flapjacks, and froglegs. I want the trees to be my priests, the tennis court to be my altar, and my Pepsi to be holy water. I want the radically eminent God who dwells in every atom and fills my capillaries.
6) I want to be a follower of the Way and not a follower of the book.
7) I want to love everyone without judgment being convinced that I am the worst of all sinners.
8) I want to stop hyper-spiritualizing the gospel and start doing it with my fingers.
9) I want to know that I can worship God and glorify him even if I am a parking attendant for the rest of my life. I want God to subvert my ambitions and make them ridiculous.
10) I want to be a part of a group of people who serve others without expecting anything in return. I want to feed people without preaching at them. I want to sweat for others without asking them to come to my church (and without even wanting them to come to my church). I want to give pointlessly. And I don't want to do it to make myself feel good about myself. I want to forget for a moment that I even exist.
I don't really know what all this means for my future profession. I don't know if all of this qualifies as a vocation. All I know is that as I sat in Beach Church and listened to the preacher, I realized that I didn't envy him and I didn't want to be him. I'm not called to that. I think I'm called to be somewhat more irrelevant than him. He can have his church. It's all fine and dandy. I just want something else if that's okay with you, God.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I Want to Be a Mary
"Mary is the prototype for all Christians in that she
allowed Christ to be formed in her." - Dr. Robert Mulholland
allowed Christ to be formed in her." - Dr. Robert Mulholland
"Those who have been born of God do not sin, because God's seed abides in them; they cannot
sin, because they have been born of God." 1 John 3:9The word often translated "seed" in the NT comes from the Greek word "sperma." The literal meaning is obvious. It just dawned on me today that the biblical writers were playing with this notion of God's sperm existing within us. In this sense, we must all be Marys. God has placed within us his sperm and we simply have to allow it to germinate or, more precisely, gestate.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
A Conversation with John Wesley
I actually wrote this about one and a half years ago, but I still struggle with the same issues that are mentioned here. This fictional conversation emerged after spending hours of reading Wesley's sermons and trying to grasp their true message. Written October 21, 2005:
GC: Your sermon “Christian Perfection” disturbed me. See, I’ve been studying your theology for a long time and have grown up in a church within the tradition you started, but some of the things you said in that sermon were brand new to me.
JW: Oh really? What was so new and disturbing?
GC: Well, you forcefully claimed that anyone who has been justified and born again does not sin outwardly. But I have always been taught that, sure, Christians sin; the only difference is that they are forgiven. It doesn’t mean that a Christian NEVER sins.
JW: Well, that is certainly not what I teach. Yes, Christians are forgiven, but those who are born of God are no longer bound by the guilt and power of sin.
GC: Aren’t you describing the entirely sanctified?
JW: Oh no. The entirely sanctified are free from the being of sin. That is, they no longer have sinful thoughts and tempers. But even the youngest baby in Christ is free from the power of sin. I insist on the plain meaning of John’s words, “He who is born of God does not sin.”
GC: But by that you mean “sin continually” or “habitually,” right? That’s how we have always interpreted it.
JW: Do you see the word “habitually” written there? No. You want to add that for your own comfort. You want to be a child of the devil and a child of God both, but you cannot do that.
GC: Are you saying that any time I sin at all, I am a child of the devil?
JW: Well, I don’t know what you mean by “at all,” but if you mean “sin outwardly,” then yes, you are a child of the Devil at that moment.
GC: But I’ve been born again. I know that I have. I’ve gone to the alter many times and out my faith in God.
JW: That alter? What’s that?
GC: Oh, I guess you didn’t have those in your day. Well, I just mean that I’ve prayed the sinner’s prayer.
JW: The sinner’s prayer?
GC: Ugh. I’ve put my trust in Jesus for my salvation. Do you understand that?
JW: Yes, I understand. But if you’ve really put your trust in Jesus, then you would not sin. Faith always expresses itself in holiness. Faith without works is no faith at all.
GC: OK. Let’s just say that I genuinely put my faith in God for my salvation. But then a week later I got angry at my wife and yelled at her. Did I loose my salvation?
JW: Well, I might question how genuine your moment of regeneration was. But, of course, it is possible that you be saved and then fall back into sin. I outlined this process in detail in my sermon called “The Great Privilege of Those Born of God.” You were walking by faith and then were tempted. The Spirit checked your Spirit, but you chose to listen again to the Tempter and your faith was weakened. Then the Spirit rebuked you more harshly, but you again hardened your heart to his voice. Then the love of God left you and you became a child of wrath capable of outward sin.
GC: Well, what if I had just yelled at her out of instinct without going through this whole process?
JW: Is that what happened?
GC: Actually, no. The anger slowly grew within me until it came out of my mouth.
JW: Well, that’s good. Because if you had sinned instantly without even thinking about it and without hearing the voice of the Spirit at all, then I think you really were a child of the Devil all along.
GC: So what happened in my case? Did I actually lose my salvation?
JW: I prefer to think in terms of relationship. In the moment you yelled at your wife, you chose to sever your relationship with the Father.
GC: So you’re saying I did lose my salvation if even for a moment?
JW: I guess if you force me to say it that way, then yes. You did. In that moment you were not a child of God.
GC: But what if I willingly chose to sin outwardly on a regular basis? Does that mean that I am not a child of God during any of those moments?
JW: I say again that anyone who is a child of God does not sin. So either you are constantly going back and forth from a state of salvation to damnation or you are simply kidding yourself in thinking that you are a child of God at all. By the way, do you have the witness of the Spirit? This is the most certain way of knowing that you are a child of God. It is an inward assurance both mental and emotional, a conviction and an impression. Do you have this?
GC: I cannot say that I do.
JW: Then seek the Lord while He may be found.
GC: Your sermon “Christian Perfection” disturbed me. See, I’ve been studying your theology for a long time and have grown up in a church within the tradition you started, but some of the things you said in that sermon were brand new to me.
JW: Oh really? What was so new and disturbing?
GC: Well, you forcefully claimed that anyone who has been justified and born again does not sin outwardly. But I have always been taught that, sure, Christians sin; the only difference is that they are forgiven. It doesn’t mean that a Christian NEVER sins.
JW: Well, that is certainly not what I teach. Yes, Christians are forgiven, but those who are born of God are no longer bound by the guilt and power of sin.
GC: Aren’t you describing the entirely sanctified?
JW: Oh no. The entirely sanctified are free from the being of sin. That is, they no longer have sinful thoughts and tempers. But even the youngest baby in Christ is free from the power of sin. I insist on the plain meaning of John’s words, “He who is born of God does not sin.”
GC: But by that you mean “sin continually” or “habitually,” right? That’s how we have always interpreted it.
JW: Do you see the word “habitually” written there? No. You want to add that for your own comfort. You want to be a child of the devil and a child of God both, but you cannot do that.
GC: Are you saying that any time I sin at all, I am a child of the devil?
JW: Well, I don’t know what you mean by “at all,” but if you mean “sin outwardly,” then yes, you are a child of the Devil at that moment.
GC: But I’ve been born again. I know that I have. I’ve gone to the alter many times and out my faith in God.
JW: That alter? What’s that?
GC: Oh, I guess you didn’t have those in your day. Well, I just mean that I’ve prayed the sinner’s prayer.
JW: The sinner’s prayer?
GC: Ugh. I’ve put my trust in Jesus for my salvation. Do you understand that?
JW: Yes, I understand. But if you’ve really put your trust in Jesus, then you would not sin. Faith always expresses itself in holiness. Faith without works is no faith at all.
GC: OK. Let’s just say that I genuinely put my faith in God for my salvation. But then a week later I got angry at my wife and yelled at her. Did I loose my salvation?
JW: Well, I might question how genuine your moment of regeneration was. But, of course, it is possible that you be saved and then fall back into sin. I outlined this process in detail in my sermon called “The Great Privilege of Those Born of God.” You were walking by faith and then were tempted. The Spirit checked your Spirit, but you chose to listen again to the Tempter and your faith was weakened. Then the Spirit rebuked you more harshly, but you again hardened your heart to his voice. Then the love of God left you and you became a child of wrath capable of outward sin.
GC: Well, what if I had just yelled at her out of instinct without going through this whole process?
JW: Is that what happened?
GC: Actually, no. The anger slowly grew within me until it came out of my mouth.
JW: Well, that’s good. Because if you had sinned instantly without even thinking about it and without hearing the voice of the Spirit at all, then I think you really were a child of the Devil all along.
GC: So what happened in my case? Did I actually lose my salvation?
JW: I prefer to think in terms of relationship. In the moment you yelled at your wife, you chose to sever your relationship with the Father.
GC: So you’re saying I did lose my salvation if even for a moment?
JW: I guess if you force me to say it that way, then yes. You did. In that moment you were not a child of God.
GC: But what if I willingly chose to sin outwardly on a regular basis? Does that mean that I am not a child of God during any of those moments?
JW: I say again that anyone who is a child of God does not sin. So either you are constantly going back and forth from a state of salvation to damnation or you are simply kidding yourself in thinking that you are a child of God at all. By the way, do you have the witness of the Spirit? This is the most certain way of knowing that you are a child of God. It is an inward assurance both mental and emotional, a conviction and an impression. Do you have this?
GC: I cannot say that I do.
JW: Then seek the Lord while He may be found.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Seeking Wu-Wei in My Marriage
This evening my wife and I had a small argument. It wasn't about anything important and we made up quickly, but it did cause me to think about how I lack a certain ability to simply let things slide.
Perhaps I should take a lesson from the Daoists and attempt to mold my life according to what they call wu-wei which is roughly translated "nonaggression" or "non-meddlesome action." I ought to become like water, for as the Dao De Jing states:
"There is nothing in the world more soft and weak than water, yet for attacking things that are hard and strong there is nothing that surpasses it... the soft overcomes the hard; the weak overcomes the strong."
Of course, the object I am attempting to overcome is not my wife, but my pride. I must learn to be more like water and less like rock. Perhaps I need to learn to let go and be less attached to my own will, my own emotion.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
The Peace That is Already There
"And if a man of peace lives there, your peace will go and rest on him; if not, it will come back to you." - Luke 10:6
This instruction was given to the disciples the first time that Jesus sent them out into the world. They were given the task to spread the Spirit of Christ, or, more specifically, the Peace of Christ. Why, then, would it have been possible for the disciples to encounter this peace in a household which had never encountered the message of the gospel? How could a "man of peace" already
have the peace of Christ before the disciples brought it to him?
Luke's answer: God is already at work even among those who know nothing about Jesus. Some Christians would deny the very notion that anything good exists within those who live apart from the gospel message. Luke disagrees. When we show up on the scene to spread the message of Jesus, we often find that they already know it. God has been at work long before we ever even thought about going. Christians don't have a monopoly on God.
This instruction was given to the disciples the first time that Jesus sent them out into the world. They were given the task to spread the Spirit of Christ, or, more specifically, the Peace of Christ. Why, then, would it have been possible for the disciples to encounter this peace in a household which had never encountered the message of the gospel? How could a "man of peace" already
have the peace of Christ before the disciples brought it to him?Luke's answer: God is already at work even among those who know nothing about Jesus. Some Christians would deny the very notion that anything good exists within those who live apart from the gospel message. Luke disagrees. When we show up on the scene to spread the message of Jesus, we often find that they already know it. God has been at work long before we ever even thought about going. Christians don't have a monopoly on God.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
The Sustainer
Psalm 3:5 --
"I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me."
Today I studied Daoism and their fundamental conviction that the Dao that can be defined is not the true Dao. I wish the Christian God were that big.
"Scientists say that the carbon that makes life on earth possible -- part of the dust out of which we are formed -- was ejected from the cores of dying stars billions of years before we ever came on the scene... God is never in a hurry." - Stan Guthrie, "Living with the Darwin Fish"
Sit and contemplate the eternal nature of the Transcendent and Nameless One who is beyond our definitions. Contemplate how small we are and how big She is. She does not need me for she is not a contingent being. I am contingent upon Her.
"I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me."
Today I studied Daoism and their fundamental conviction that the Dao that can be defined is not the true Dao. I wish the Christian God were that big."Scientists say that the carbon that makes life on earth possible -- part of the dust out of which we are formed -- was ejected from the cores of dying stars billions of years before we ever came on the scene... God is never in a hurry." - Stan Guthrie, "Living with the Darwin Fish"
Sit and contemplate the eternal nature of the Transcendent and Nameless One who is beyond our definitions. Contemplate how small we are and how big She is. She does not need me for she is not a contingent being. I am contingent upon Her.
Monday, March 5, 2007
The Purpose of the Blog
I've journaled off and on for a number of years. I'd like to have something to pass on to my grandkids someday in case they want to know more about me. A few years back I read the biography of John Adams by David McCullough and was inspired by our second president's eloquent letters. I have a wide variety of interests -- theology, history, politics, philosophy, all things Chinese, and so on. Sometimes I think it would almost be an injustice to never write down the things that come into my head. So that is why I've started this blog.
I am resolved to do several things:
1) Never write out of guilt. This is to be a joy and a form of worship. I won't allow thoughts like "I haven't blogged for a while so I'd better do it" into my head.
2) To worship God through this. Today journaling has been widely recognized as a legitimate spiritual discipline. At one time I'm sure that thought seemed crazy. I intend to use blogging as a spiritual discipline -- a place for prayers, questions, and maybe even the occasional answer to a question.
3) To be honest. I've named this blog "On the Verge of Heterodoxy" because I often feel that I am. Even more frightening, I find myself often on the verge of heteropraxy. Yet I have an unshakable conviction that God is big enough for all my questions and that he is not even offended by them. Therefore, I will be honest.
So there we have it. Thanks for reading. I'll be surprised if anyone reads this. No offense, but if you are reading, I didn't do this for you. I did it for me. But you're more than welcome to take interest in my journey.
P.S.
I will occasionally include former journal entries. Here is one from February 12, 2007:
Last night my small group met and they taught me many things about my faith that I had never thought of before. Our discussion centered around issues of simplicity and frugality. I have, since high school, been convinced that the highest form of discipleship is that of St. Francis and the mendicant who sold all, gave it to the poor, and wandered around the countryside doing good deeds. Being convinced of this, I lived a life of guilt knowing that I, unlike them, was unwilling to sacrifice all for Jesus. Consequently, I’ve lived a life absolutely filled with guilt. I have felt guilt every time I eat a steak dinner. I felt guilt when we bought our car six weeks ago. I felt guilt when I was given a Martin guitar by my parents and an iPod by my mother-in-law, Christy. The reason I felt guilt about these things was simple: how could I enjoy a juicy steak when my brothers and sisters around the world are starving.
There is still an element of truth in my old line of thinking, but I have overlooked a dramatic part of the kingdom of God – that, despite the fact that there is pain and suffering in the world, Jesus still chose to celebrate and party. He was able to dine with the wealthy as well as the poor. He rebuked the disciples who objected to perfume being poured upon his body. He made fine wine for a wedding feast and yelled, “The drinks are on me!” My old way of thinking had robbed my life of joy – of being able to sit down and enjoy a fine cup of coffee without feeling like I should go to hell for turning a blind eye to the oppressed. God meets us where we are. He is always contextual. He wants me to learn to live in utter freedom from guilt. He wants me to be able to enjoy my soft bed and thank him for it. And this applies not only to material possessions. He wants me to be able to enjoy being with my family without feeling guilty about the fact that others live alone or in dysfunctional households. This does not diminish my concern for them and for making this world a better place. It does, however, enable me to worship God in everything I do – in things I eat, in the simple pleasure of a conversation with friends, in holding my baby daughter.
I just saw Little Miss Sunshine. I liked it a lot because it was so theological. At the end of the film when Olive is dancing, the crowd jeers at her because they see her act as vulgar. Indeed, I wonder if I had been there what my reaction would have been. I might have felt disgust that an 8-year-old girl had been taught to do a striptease. On the other hand, I wonder what Jesus would have done. Would he have jeered at her? Would he have sat back and watched in silent judgment? Or would he have jumped up on stage and started dancing with her as her family did? Would Jesus have been the guy who jumped up out of his seat and yelled “Yes!” at the end
God. Jesus is for losers. The air-brushed, the punctual, and the beautiful just completely missed out. As I of the performance? I think I know the answer to these questions, but they are unsettling to me. I was amazed to watch a totally dysfunctional family go up on stage and act out the kingdom of hear little Olive tell her suicidal homosexual uncle that he will be with her in her heaven, I hear a bit of Jesus’ radical inclusiveness. I think Dwayne was right when he said, “F**k the beauty pageant.” Isn’t it about time that Christians said the same thing? Isn’t it about time we said good-bye to the upward mobility of our culture? I saw Jesus dancing up on that stage and getting mocked. Lord, give me the guts to tell the beauty pageants of this world to get lost. I pray that you would save your church from being that bigoted, judgmental, jeering crowd. Teach me to love indiscriminately as you do. Amen.
I am resolved to do several things:
1) Never write out of guilt. This is to be a joy and a form of worship. I won't allow thoughts like "I haven't blogged for a while so I'd better do it" into my head.
2) To worship God through this. Today journaling has been widely recognized as a legitimate spiritual discipline. At one time I'm sure that thought seemed crazy. I intend to use blogging as a spiritual discipline -- a place for prayers, questions, and maybe even the occasional answer to a question.
3) To be honest. I've named this blog "On the Verge of Heterodoxy" because I often feel that I am. Even more frightening, I find myself often on the verge of heteropraxy. Yet I have an unshakable conviction that God is big enough for all my questions and that he is not even offended by them. Therefore, I will be honest.
So there we have it. Thanks for reading. I'll be surprised if anyone reads this. No offense, but if you are reading, I didn't do this for you. I did it for me. But you're more than welcome to take interest in my journey.
P.S.
I will occasionally include former journal entries. Here is one from February 12, 2007:
Last night my small group met and they taught me many things about my faith that I had never thought of before. Our discussion centered around issues of simplicity and frugality. I have, since high school, been convinced that the highest form of discipleship is that of St. Francis and the mendicant who sold all, gave it to the poor, and wandered around the countryside doing good deeds. Being convinced of this, I lived a life of guilt knowing that I, unlike them, was unwilling to sacrifice all for Jesus. Consequently, I’ve lived a life absolutely filled with guilt. I have felt guilt every time I eat a steak dinner. I felt guilt when we bought our car six weeks ago. I felt guilt when I was given a Martin guitar by my parents and an iPod by my mother-in-law, Christy. The reason I felt guilt about these things was simple: how could I enjoy a juicy steak when my brothers and sisters around the world are starving.
There is still an element of truth in my old line of thinking, but I have overlooked a dramatic part of the kingdom of God – that, despite the fact that there is pain and suffering in the world, Jesus still chose to celebrate and party. He was able to dine with the wealthy as well as the poor. He rebuked the disciples who objected to perfume being poured upon his body. He made fine wine for a wedding feast and yelled, “The drinks are on me!” My old way of thinking had robbed my life of joy – of being able to sit down and enjoy a fine cup of coffee without feeling like I should go to hell for turning a blind eye to the oppressed. God meets us where we are. He is always contextual. He wants me to learn to live in utter freedom from guilt. He wants me to be able to enjoy my soft bed and thank him for it. And this applies not only to material possessions. He wants me to be able to enjoy being with my family without feeling guilty about the fact that others live alone or in dysfunctional households. This does not diminish my concern for them and for making this world a better place. It does, however, enable me to worship God in everything I do – in things I eat, in the simple pleasure of a conversation with friends, in holding my baby daughter.
I just saw Little Miss Sunshine. I liked it a lot because it was so theological. At the end of the film when Olive is dancing, the crowd jeers at her because they see her act as vulgar. Indeed, I wonder if I had been there what my reaction would have been. I might have felt disgust that an 8-year-old girl had been taught to do a striptease. On the other hand, I wonder what Jesus would have done. Would he have jeered at her? Would he have sat back and watched in silent judgment? Or would he have jumped up on stage and started dancing with her as her family did? Would Jesus have been the guy who jumped up out of his seat and yelled “Yes!” at the end
God. Jesus is for losers. The air-brushed, the punctual, and the beautiful just completely missed out. As I of the performance? I think I know the answer to these questions, but they are unsettling to me. I was amazed to watch a totally dysfunctional family go up on stage and act out the kingdom of hear little Olive tell her suicidal homosexual uncle that he will be with her in her heaven, I hear a bit of Jesus’ radical inclusiveness. I think Dwayne was right when he said, “F**k the beauty pageant.” Isn’t it about time that Christians said the same thing? Isn’t it about time we said good-bye to the upward mobility of our culture? I saw Jesus dancing up on that stage and getting mocked. Lord, give me the guts to tell the beauty pageants of this world to get lost. I pray that you would save your church from being that bigoted, judgmental, jeering crowd. Teach me to love indiscriminately as you do. Amen.
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